If Cussing Were Wishes...

I really, really, really wish cussing fixed the things that were broken.

If cussing granted wishes, then I wouldn't have had to drive to Home Depot three times today. I would have been able to find the drill bit that I needed because it would damn well have been where it should have been instead of where ever it currently is. Cussing would have kept the weenie drill bit I ended up using from snapping off in the board I was drilling a hole in. Cussing would have kept the exact amount of wood that I purchased intact where it was whole allowing me to utilize the eight feet cut-to-two-four feet pieces that I needed, instead of leaving me with the one four foot, one snapped-in-two-thus-useless foot pieces I ended up with.

All I wanted to do was build a fishtunkin raised garden bed. It ain't rocket science. I'm not trying for whistles or bells or convoluted watering systems, just a freakin box on legs, but everything has to be a production. It can't ever be simple. Why?

I really should have known that a four foot tall raised bed was too tall, so that's on me, but dadgum if that wasn't the least of the aggravations of the day. At least I had a handsaw to cut the legs down (so my fingers and toes were never at risk) because my only other option would have been to gnaw them down with my own teeth as my circular and jigsaw would never have made it through the 4x4 legs.

At any rate, my end goal is to delve into utter madness by pulling up my already established garden beds so that I may place them on legs thereby creating a hindrance to weeds, reduce back strain for myself, and to restrict access to vermin as the fence and other tactics I have thus far employed have failed in their efficacy.

Brilliant!!!

Here's something I'm pretty proud of. My brother and his wife came to visit and he helped me build this retaining wall on the side of the house. See, what had happened was, our house was built on a mound and as a consequence the earth had eroded to such a degree that huge sections of the foundation were exposed. That is a bad thing. So my brother and I built this retaining wall. I had decided to put plants in the bed to keep the soil in place and make it purty, but my brother's wife suggested strawberries!

This one time.

The other half of this one time.

I stuck my blueberries in there, too. They've been struggling. Maybe now they'll thrive. Or die. Honestly, at this point, I don't care. Just piss or get off the pot, man!

I haven't decided what to put in the second bed as it stays pretty shady through the day. I'm open to suggestions. So this was an amazing bond-y project to do with my bro. We have all kinds of plans for next year. So excited!

So why do I continue to put myself through such aggravation? Sometimes my projects comes out really nice. Eh, this one time it came out really nice. Ehh, this one time it came out really nice with out a mass of aggravation or multiple trips to Home Depot. Ehhh, I'll get back to you when I've figured it out.

Holy Sphincters of Horror...

I don't know how dogs ever made it in the wild because, based on what I've experienced with our three dogs, they are dumb as dirt and should have killed themselves into extinction a long time ago. Maybe someone can explain to me why, even though it makes them sick, they insist on eating the mushrooms that pop up after every rain or the residuals left over by roaming rabbits (I assume it's rabbits). Don't try to tell me I should get rid of the mushrooms, I'm irritated enough I  would be happy to smack the maker of that comment in the eye. We pluck all the mushrooms we find. Those fetchers always find the rest.

So my house has smelled like shit and vomit for weeks. I know, the language is uncalled for. Except I have cleaned up so much poo and vomit in the last few weeks, I feel like it is absolutely called for and perfectly expresses the end of my tolerance for the whole thing.

Not my dog.

It's not gross enough that they vomit and poo, but they do both in their crates. I thought there was an understood "don't poop where you sleep" rule amongst their kind. They are in collusion, but I don't know who they think they're taking down with this behavior. I'm not sleeping outside.

Then there are times when I encounter the smell of poo, but no evidence of the crime because they freaking ATE IT!!! Then because, who knew poop upsets the stomach, it comes up again. My eyes tear up I can hardly see and I can barely control my gag reflex.

All three dogs have spent multiple nights outside because I am sick of waking up to poo. They don't whine to be let out because they like the squish of poo between their toes, I guess. I don't freakin' know, but I am over it. All three morons are now in separate cages, because we couldn't figure out from whom the diarrhea sprang, because all three would dance through it and eat their share, so my kitchen looks like the city pound.

Also not my dog.

So now we send them out to potty with an escort, then they go straight back into the crate. It's a miserable existence. I'm suffering the most. I swear the smell of poo has been burned into my olfactories. They are one poorly placed poo away from being permanently "outside" dogs. Then they can eat whatever and crap wherever they want because apparently, the garbage they're eating outside is more desirable than the food we provide for them. Like, they'd literally rather eat poo (and 'shrooms) instead of what's in their bowls.

After these dogs go to the big farm with lots of room to run and play, our home will forever be pet free. Only ten more years...unless they keep eating poo.

Still not my dogs.

*All photos were captured from Google images and even though I should know how, I don't know how to link information to give proper credit. Imma hafta learn how to do that forthwith.

Oh Right, There Was Fun Stuff Too...The Cruise Pt. 2

So I remembered all I had done in my previous post was complain about Hell, and it's being other people, and junk, and forgotten there was awesome that needed to be reported as well. Like the ginger beer I drank in Jamaica, which was neither beer nor contained ginger. It was, however, very burny?Spicy? I think that's how you would describe that. Almost painfully spicy. I couldn't finish it, but I kept the label because it was such a liar.

Selfie

Also, the waters were so clear at every island, I mostly felt comfortable swimming in them because I knew I'd be able to spot any sharks and also there were plenty of people to plow through before one would get to me. I was also able to see to the ocean floor and I found a beer bottle cap that I picked up with my toes. It was only after that, that I realized the little feathery masses at my feet were fishes and not seaweed as I had originally thought, and I quickly put my water shoes back on. I also kinda lost my enthusiasm for that particular body of water and skeedaddled back to the beach.

We went to Hell and bough a postcard. Literally. The shop in Hell, Jamaica is run by a little old man from Mexico who had made a brief stop in his life's journey in San Antonio so he loves his Texas girls. At least, that's what he said, and the pictures on the wall kind of backed him up. The shop (which is almost all there is in Hell) also had Dixie cups nailed to the walls beside the bathrooms with a little sign asking for donations to pay for toilet paper. It was classy.

Hell's Gift Shop

Being that this was our first cruise ever, Babe and I booked a tour at every port (Cozumel, Grand Cayman and Jamaica) to insure the boat wouldn't leave without us. As we stepped off the ferry at Grand Cayman I saw a very large (Caymaner, Camanite?) very, very buff dude in a security uniform with a gun, sipping from a pink straw that was poking out of the coconut he was holding in his ginormous hand. It was dainty is what I'm saying.

I looked down to see two chickens just hanging out at his feet like they weren't chickens or he wasn't a security guard. We boarded the tour bus and there were more chickens. Like, in the middle of town waiting to cross the road to the courthouse. So I guess that answers that question? I saw another rando chicken and just mused out loud about the mass sightings when the tour guide mentioned the "Hurricane of 1936, so named because it happened in 1936 (before hurricanes were named) that released a bunch of chickens and roosters. Now there are wild chickens and rooster running loose on the island." That just tickled me. He also mentioned the island no longer had skittles, which I found really confusing, until he explained the government's determination to minimize skittle clouds and eradicate the Zika virus, which they had successfully accomplished. So he hadn't been talking about the candies.

Apparently this is also a problem.

There was a "rum" tasting, "tequila" tasting, and "insert some third liquor here" tasting portion on every tour, but Babe and I don't drink so we spent that time practicing our thumb twiddling technique. My thumbs are very dexterous now. I also learned that sea-sickness doesn't necessarily manifest as violent and forceful vomit. It can be just a slight discomfort, slight headache/nausea that goes away once the sufferer finds herself on solid ground. Hopefully, this little note helps as the forceful vomit was what I was looking for and it took me two trips back to solid ground to realize that I had been, in fact, a little sea sick for the first four days of the cruise.

Also, and this is a little more uncommon, landsick is a thing and one can be landsick for several days after returning from a cruise. It's called mal de debarquement syndrome or as I like to call it "insult to injury syndrome." I'm one of the lucky few to get to experience that fun time and it's just like it sounds. I was "still on the boat" for about a week after we got home. I spent a lot of time laying down before I fell down. Anyhoo, that is your PSA for the day. Learn it. It may save your life!

Just kidding. Hopefully, it'll help you recognize the sea sick sooner than I did. Also, I'm a rocket scientist so you'd probably figure that out sooner anyway. So...

It was really nice to spend time alone with Babe. He's a lot of fun and it was great to reconnect with him. We've decided we want to go again and take the kids. They are all old enough now that it can be an enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

I just couldn't eat it.

On the other hand, we left the children alone for a week...there will be a part 3.

Hell Is Other People...

Babe and I went on a cruise to celebrate our 20th anniversary last month. Granted, our anniversary isn't until June, but whatever man. So this is gonna be a two part post because I have a lot of feelings. Tomorrow I'll share all the fun stuff, but today I'm gonna complain.

The older I have gotten, the more large groups of people aggravate me and my disdain grew ten-fold on this cruise. To be short, people suck. They are rude, selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate.

Let me explain. If I've been standing in line for three hours, waiting to board the boat, what makes you think slipping into the line once I've reached the front is ever going to happen. Also, coagulating where I am standing, like a freaking gnat cloud is almost more than I can take. I was about to start smacking people by the time the line started moving.

If Muster (emergency drill) is at 4:30, don't freaking saunter up at 4:45. Every-damn-body who is there has to wait until every-damn-body else shows up. I get that you are on vacation, jackass, but so am I and I didn't plan on spending it on deck, waiting for you.

Here's another one. If the crew has decided to start a dance in the middle of the promenade, and you have somewhere you'd like to be, here's an idea-maybe move around the side to get by. Or you could be the asshat who just walks through the middle. Don't let the activity happening in front of your stupid face get in your way.

Also, getting up and leaving in the middle of a live show is still RUDE. Especially if your dumb ass is in the front row. When an announcer asks the audience to clear the aisles and not to take flash photos as it could distract the performers, don't be the woman who decides she must take her baby out right now and must use the entire aisle, performer be damned, or the idiot who immediately takes a flash picture causing the announcer momentary blindness.

Saving ten seats for your family who then don't show up and or allowing your children to swing from the railings is...come-on people. It's a boat, not a freaking playground. I'm a hundred percent sure if that boat went down we wouldn't be able to shove off, even if we'd made it to the life boats because some people would be trying to reserve seats for their family, others would be letting their kids run wild and the rest would be pushing the slow and elderly out of the way.

Why? Because Hell is other people, that's why.

                                   

                                                Taken before I got on the cruise. Look at that face. I was so naive.

But My Apple Tree Is Doing Great...

Not my garden

We planned a trip to Utah for a week at the beginning of April and I was hurrying to get my garden business taken care of before we left. The first item on the list was to mulch this huge pile of wood in the backyard we had tossed willy-nilly next to my garden last summer. A raccoon had taken up residence in said pile and was using my dang garden as his own private food source.

Babe and I had gone about two weeks before to rent a mulcher from Home Depot, but after the paperwork had been signed, we realized it wouldn't fit in the back of the van. Babe wouldn't entertain my suggestions to tie it to the roof or drag it behind us, and after that I was out of ideas. We ended up getting our deposit back after fifteen full minutes of rental.

Realizing that no mulcher was likely to fit in the back of the van, and attempting to find someone with a truck and time to kill was just more aggravation than it was worth, I bought one. I'm really glad I did. It's taken me several days of mulching and I'm still not finished, though the raccoon no longer has a place to hide. It would have cost us more to rent than it did to buy. Plus, free mulch for my garden! Bonus.

Anyway, I figured once the wood pile had been disrupted, the raccoon would find somewhere else to dine, but I was sadly mistaken. I know it was a raccoon because I have a fence around the garden, and it was STILL getting in. So I decided to make a cover. I bowed PVC pipes at three foot intervals and then zip-tied black plastic chicken screen around the pipes. I planned to cover the top as well, but we just barely had time to close up the sides.

I figured the screen would be too flimsy to support the weight of an incoming raccoon, but I was wrong again. The next day it had eaten my green bean seedlings and left a peach pit in my tater box, the cheeky bugger. I ran out of time before I could finish my projects.

My Kid sister took care of my garden (and the furry dingus') for most of the time we were gone. She was rightfully more concerned about my plants than she was the dogs. It rained a couple of times while we were away, which helped her out a ton.

The ground was nice and wet when we got home. I headed out to the garden first thing the next day. The sight that greeted me. It was just...amazing. I walked through the lovely little gate, which is a fun story in itself, and I saw my cucumber box full of green...grass. There was also grass in my bell pepper box. I think the green in my corn box was corn, but at this stage it kind of looks like grass too so...

Whatever.

Meenie and I were attempting to put the screen over the top of the PVC pipe to close it in and wouldn't you know it, the screen was about three feet too short. Also, it was too narrow. Also, my corn bed had been taken over with ant piles, but I didn't know that until I stepped in one. And when I stepped backwards, I found the other ant pile. Then, when I retreated to behind the potato box, I found the third one. That's when I fled the garden.

I bought death dealing granules and gleefully salted the earth, but I'm kind of afraid to go back inside my lovely garden. I ventured in once last week to plant store bought, healthy cucumber plants that were dead two days later, and haven't been back since. So I don't know what to do. If I set a match to it I'm certain to burn down the whole neighborhood, which may upset a couple of people.

I'm ready to call time of death. It's only April, but being that this is Texas, it might as well be Hell.

But my apple tree is doing great!

Mistakes Were Made...

Ten years ago we bought the home in which we currently reside. The Previous Owners (PO) had planted two lovely little evergreen trees on either side of the windows at the front of the house that we...thought were okay. They weren't our favorite, but whatever.

One of the trees died a few years back, so we plucked it out of the yard as one does. The second one continued to thrive, and grow out of control because we neglected it, but only recently had it come to my attention how out of control it really was. It kind of looked like a giant green starfish. Actually that entire front area has vexed me from the start. The PO's had created a stone border flowerbed in front of the windows and around the two trees. That area is a pain to maintain because every year weeds and anthills pop up like daisies, which incidentally, won't pop up in that area.

Last year, I stopped trying to plant stuff and just put down black screen weed blocker and rocks. Then I dropped some pave stones and a couple of potted plants in the bed to make my life easier. Spring came last week while we were in Utah and when we got home the flower bed that I had so lovingly filled with rocks and junk was once again covered in weeds. How the hell...whatever.

Anyway, back to the tree. I was looking Evergreen over and realized how out of control it was. Babe and I have planned to add a red oak to the front yard, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to lose that evergreen. So I took my trimmer out of the garage and set to work shaping it up. It was going really well...at first.

I was trimming those branches like a champ. One of the neighbors even offered use of his telescoping hedge clippers so I could reach the higher branches. I learned two things using that tool. The first being, my aim is just...terrible. Which may or may not have something to do with the second, I have miserable upper body strength. Mr. Neighbor Guy also grabbed a ladder and cut off the top four feet of the tree.

I cleaned out all of the branches at ground level as well as the dead and dying branches, which all happened to be at the back of the tree where it touches the house. Things were coming along pretty well until I took off this one branch.

                                                               

This was the good side.

I really don't know what happened. It was just one branch. Who knew one branch could cover so much space and then not? It was seriously dumbfounding. One branch undid all of the work I had accomplished. Now, my out of control Evergreen had become a middle aged man tree who had lost his comb over. It was so downhill from there.

When we moved in, the tree stood at a 90 degree angle. As I cut back the branches I realized it was now leaning at a more acute angle. So no matter how well I managed to trim it up (not that that was going to happen) nothing was going to cover the fact that it leaned. Try as I might to clean it up, in the end it just looked like a five year old had taken a pair of scissors to his sisters Barbie. After which, Barbie went to a bar and got sloshed so now she's leaning on the bar wearing one shoe and asking the guy next to her if he thinks she looks pretty.

It wasn't going well is what I'm saying.

The right next door, next door neighbor and his wife came home after I had brutalized the tree, and he choke/snorted, "Good job!" to which I replied, "Don't lie to me!"

Eenie had a good laugh when she got home. We then noticed (because we're observant like that) the branches from the trunk out were dead and/or dying so mayhaps the tree should just be put down. Also, the whole thing rocked like a nineties boy band.

                                                                   

Who Runs the World...Eenie!

Eenie volunteered to try taking it down. She huffed and puffed, but the tree refused to budge. Even our neighbor from the other side made an attempt (we have super helpful neighbors). I heard him mutter, "por que?" as he pulled from one side while Eenie pushed from the other. So much fun. I was rethinking cutting it down until I saw it in the light of day the next morning. It looked so much worse.

I cut it down.

Mistakes Were Made...

Sometimes you just have to recognize it's too broken to fix. 

Here, There Be Monsters...

We have three animals in our home. Some would call them pets. Here we call them Gus and the Idiot Twins.

Gus

Gus and the twins

Then, there's Luna. The female idiot twin is stupid and will constantly eat things that will eventually kill her, but until then only cause diarrhea and occasional vomiting. But always diarrhea. We make efforts to find the mushrooms that pop up after rain, but she'll find them in that knothole in the southeast corner of the backyard just behind the fence pole at the outer edge. You know, the one you have to wedge your fat little snout in to reach, but it's worth it because you're a fat little turd who enjoys burning butthole.

Apollo is the second half of the Idiot twins and he's the one with an empty skull cavity. He has no original thoughts therefore does not cause mischief on his own, but will stupidly follow what the other two are doing. The three of them together have created such havoc that three sets of friends have refused to watch them ever again. So we were scrambling to find anyone to care for them when we went out of town last week, because when I tell you these friends will not watch our dogs ever again, they mean it. These people who love us, who will (and have) drop anything at a moments notice to help us, are not willing to come to our house twice a day to feed and water our dogs and let them out to potty because it's never that easy. Let me be clear, I don't blame them. I am so over the half-wit and her diarrhea as well as Gus' incessant destructive behavior.

We managed to find a young man we go to church with willing to tend the monsters for three days until my Kid sister could take over. I had such hopes. Being that the animals behave like...animals, they destroyed the bottom of the crate a few weeks ago and had been sleeping on the wire and floor when I finally took pity on them and put one of the beds we've managed to keep in one piece for almost six months (!) in the crate to create a more comfortable environment. They left it alone (!) and like a fool, I  thought we had broken a destructive habit. I repeat, I'm such a fool.

Everything was rolling smoothly along, padding that false sense of security, when the mother of my pet minder texted me to tell me Luna had refused to go out to use the potty that morning.

Aaargh.

I texted her back and told her that Luna needed to be made to go or she would crap in the crate. She said they'd go back after church. 

 Gus is a monster who delights in tearing things up. We have bought countless beds, blankets, toys, etc. that he has quickly and completely destroyed. He's chewed up my lawn tools, my trees, an entire fence that I built for the sole purpose of keeping him OUT of my garden (he ATE the fence), the bottom of the pool hose, the spray nozzles from my pesticides and herbicides- by right he should be dead- and he has to really work to get at a lot of these things. They aren't at snout level. They are pull himself up, reach into a bucket, make like a magic claw, accessible.

More Gus 

They were cleaning up poop when they got back to the house, and that's when things went typical. After attempting to clean up Luna's mess, she took the cover off the bed and tossed it in the wash, leaving the bedding uncovered. Guess how the monsters entertained themselves until the the cover was returned...

After returning the cover to what was left of the bed, Luna decided to pull the Diva card and wouldn't allow Gus in the crate. The family brought over a second crate for the Idiot Twins to sleep in, which upped Gus' anxiety so he went to town and finished off what was left of the bed. When we got home, all three mutts found themselves back in the same crate on the bare floor because that Diva garbage doesn't fly with me. Luna tried growling at Gus when we got home and I quickly reminded her who she was dealing with. She shut it up real quick. Homie don't play.

Even though they were disgusting, they were weren't as disgusting as they usually are. Maybe we can call on this kid again. Or maybe we won't go on vacation again until the furry monsters have gone to that big, green farm in the sky.

We Are What We Are...

When Babe and I got married, he vowed that we would leave behind our, erm, more rough edged ways. Hence duct tape and black plastic bags would not be our automatic "go to" for repairs.

Oh such sweet naivete!

His resolve was first tested in about the second year of our marriage when some yahoo broke into our 1990 Geo Metro by way of the rear window to...get a better look at what we didn't have? The car was twelve years old. There was nothing worth stealing so they didn't steal anything. It wasn't worth it to me to fix it, but we had an infant, as Babe pointed out, so we went and paid more than the car was worth to replace that flippin' rear window.

The second opportunity came about ten years later when my kid sister was learning to drive. Actually, let me one second. So, Babe had just bought a brand new car. We hadn't even made the first payment yet when Miney took a lava rock from the garden and used it to scribble flowers and doodles all along the sides and back. It was lovely. Babe was speechless.

Literally.

He just looked at her and silently shook his head. So this came on the heels of that. My kid sister was learning to drive and pulled into our driveway. At my encouragement she pulled into the garage, but I overestimated how much room she had and she took off the driver's side mirror. The poor thing burst into tears while I laughed hysterically. Babe heard the noise and opened the garage door where he stood in silence for a long moment before he shook his head and closed the door.

Shortly thereafter (I'm talking days) we had the side mirror taped up because we haven't yet had a minute to take the car in for repair, Kid sister had to take Eenie to school, and for reasons I will never understand, she decided to roll down the rear window and the whole piece of glass abruptly disappeared into the door. Well we couldn't leave the window open like that so Babe dutifully went to get a plastic bag while I am rolling in laughter because we have become everything he never wanted to be.

We did get those parts fixed. However, I feel it's important to remember where one comes from and priorities. Our van was new when we bought it. It is now fifteen years old. The tops of the arms rests on the doors have broken off. I'm not trying to spend $500 per side to get them fixed. The black piece that holds the antennae flush to the van broke off a couple of years ago. We duct taped that, and we used fancy tape. Covered in Minions.

When the tape became sun worn and crumbled off, we bought a new part on Amazon. It doesn't exactly fit, but it's close enough. Ennie got her purse strap caught in the latch of the glove compartment. Babe broke the door when he tried to get it out. We duct taped it until the tape melted off. After that, we replaced the lock. The lock didn't have a key so once we closed it we couldn't open it again so we haven't used it for a while.

The AC fan will only turn on when the passenger kick the underside of the dashboard so Babe bought a new fan and in the process of attempting to replace it he realized he needed to get into the glove compartment. Well...

The fan didn't fit, we were going on a road trip and he needed to put the glove compartment back together.

I've never been so proud!

Bananas...

Here's another one. I have a banana tree in my living room. It's actually my second banana tree. My first tree just died because...don't get me started. So I bought a second. The second did really well. It was probably four feet tall by the end of September. I was so happy!

It had outgrown it's pot for the third time so I decided to just replant it in a garbage can to avoid having to replant it ever again. Several days after the transplant we had a cold snap and it...killed...my...tree.

I don't know what idiot spirit possessed me, but I thought maybe I could save this dead plant if I brought it inside. So I did. That poor dead tree sat in the corner, being dead for a month. The day I finally accepted it was committed to being dead I saw the smallest green wisp. My heart leaped for joy!!!

Isn't it lovely!

After many months of love and care, my banana is thriving and it's wonderful, but we have an added bonus! Gnats!

Less lovely!

 We can't seem to get rid of them. I know it might help if I take Banana outside, but I don't think I'll get a second miracle should it die again. It's okay, I like having constant activity in my peripherals and feeling like something is flying up my nose. It's my favorite when I feel like my skin is crawling because it totally is! I also enjoy squishing and then smearing tiny bodies across my computer and or cell phone screen, both of which are touch screen. You can imagine what that leads to. Fun times.

It's All Fun and Games...

I am a clusterfudge.

It is a well documented fact, but I can't let that little fact keep me from getting stuff done.  I can't live in a plastic bubble, even though my kids think I'd be safer there. We bought a wood chipper because we have a wood pile in the back yard where a family of raccoons has taken up residence. My dog wouldn't stay away from the pile, but more importantly, raccoons climb fences making the fence I put around my garden ineffective and that made me see red.

So we bought this wood chipper, and knowing that I am prone to accident, I make sure to wear eye protection and gloves whenever I use it. I don't stick my hand in the opening to dislodge anything that might be stuck. I even cover the opening so nothing can be spat into my face and yet...One of the branches slapped me yesterday.

That was the last straw of the day.

I had mowed the lawn earlier in the afternoon and it is a pitiful machine. It shakes and rattles like a ninety year old man, and as a result, one of the bolts, holding the handle on, worked itself loose. So with one detached handle, I took the mower and push it, backwards, into the garage.

Did you know there is a small part above the body, but below the engine that gets really, really hot? I do...now. I found it with my big toe. Yes, I was mowing in flip flips, but I'm not worried about cutting off my toes. No, no. That's too mundane for me. See, I'd get my foot caught in the mower because I was wearing close toed shoes.

I trip on my flip flops. I bruise my own boobs, hit myself in the face, and scratch my own arms when I break branches to put in the chipper. My fingernails get in my way. How the hell does that happen? It's so freaking annoying.

I went to dip my toe in a bucket of water after I burned it. I didn't quite raise my foot high enough and slammed the same damn toe into the side of the bucket...

Sometimes it takes everything I have just to get through the day.

Never Speak Too Soon...

So Eenie and I were driving to a doctors appointment in Arlington this afternoon. We live in Fort Worth, but we still go to our PCP in Arlington because we've been with him for years and the hassle of finding a new one out weighs the hassle of going to Arlington. Or it used to.

Ennie and Miney are needing further testing at various and sundry places, and the only places they are being referred to are in Arlington, so we are going there more frequently. It's quickly wearing on my nerves.

At any rate, Eenie and I were on the way to Arlington and during a brief interlude in our conversation I thought to myself, "Self, we're doing pretty well!! This van is in good shape. We haven't had any breaks downs or mechanical issues..." I should have stopped thinking right then.

We were approximately three exits from our destination when the low tire pressure light flickered on...because the tire went flat. The thing about those lights, though, is they are supposed to turn on when the tire pressure is low. Like BEFORE the tire goes flat, but I guess it was kind of an all at once thing.

Anyway, I saw the light after I felt a distinct shift in balance. So I pulled the van as far over to the side as I could, because I really couldn't let my child's last memories of me include being smeared cross the highway by a semi, and set to work changing the tire. Well, in the twelve years we've owned the van this is the second time the tire has ever been changed. The first time I was pregnant with Moe.

Eleven years ago.

So I had to figure out where the damn spare was hidden. Then, I had to figure out how to get the damn thing out. I never did either one. This drunk dude pulled over and figured it out for me. He also figured out that my spare was dried out and cracking, that we were missing one of the five nuts, (and had been for some time as evidenced by the rust), and then broke the remaining nut with the post completely off while removing the flat tire.

It was awesome.

After the donut was in place, we were rolling at 30 mph down the highway, cursing and praying the tires wouldn't fail us before we made it to Discount Tire. Eenie chose a Discount Tire that was .5 miles away, but would require that we get back onto the highway and head west. From I-20 we took the round turn to Cooper that put us Northbound and then got on a second round turn that sent us West. Half way through the turn West, Eenie decided we shouldn't get back on the highway so we ended up taking the West turn back around to the South, then East and North again. It was like a freakin carousel.

However, Cooper is a Halloween horror show every day, all day. So when we were got back on to Cooper the second time I was pulling out in front of traffic that was determined to go faster than me while completely ignoring my hazards. I was the right lane, the Discount Tire was on the left and I had to be assertive with no power to back it up. And there was no turn lane.

I had to go up the street and flip a u-y, on a dried out, partially deflated spare tire. We rolled into the Discount Tire and explained the situation to the man at the desk. While waiting for the van to be re-tired, I reflected on the betrayal I felt. How could my van just leave us stranded on the side of the road like that? I wondered if I could ever trust my ride again.

Happily, we were back on the road half an hour later and my confidence in my van has mostly been restored.

By the way, Ennie missed her appointment. What's one more trip to Arlington?