Here, There Be Monsters...

We have three animals in our home. Some would call them pets. Here we call them Gus and the Idiot Twins.

Gus

Gus and the twins

Then, there's Luna. The female idiot twin is stupid and will constantly eat things that will eventually kill her, but until then only cause diarrhea and occasional vomiting. But always diarrhea. We make efforts to find the mushrooms that pop up after rain, but she'll find them in that knothole in the southeast corner of the backyard just behind the fence pole at the outer edge. You know, the one you have to wedge your fat little snout in to reach, but it's worth it because you're a fat little turd who enjoys burning butthole.

Apollo is the second half of the Idiot twins and he's the one with an empty skull cavity. He has no original thoughts therefore does not cause mischief on his own, but will stupidly follow what the other two are doing. The three of them together have created such havoc that three sets of friends have refused to watch them ever again. So we were scrambling to find anyone to care for them when we went out of town last week, because when I tell you these friends will not watch our dogs ever again, they mean it. These people who love us, who will (and have) drop anything at a moments notice to help us, are not willing to come to our house twice a day to feed and water our dogs and let them out to potty because it's never that easy. Let me be clear, I don't blame them. I am so over the half-wit and her diarrhea as well as Gus' incessant destructive behavior.

We managed to find a young man we go to church with willing to tend the monsters for three days until my Kid sister could take over. I had such hopes. Being that the animals behave like...animals, they destroyed the bottom of the crate a few weeks ago and had been sleeping on the wire and floor when I finally took pity on them and put one of the beds we've managed to keep in one piece for almost six months (!) in the crate to create a more comfortable environment. They left it alone (!) and like a fool, I  thought we had broken a destructive habit. I repeat, I'm such a fool.

Everything was rolling smoothly along, padding that false sense of security, when the mother of my pet minder texted me to tell me Luna had refused to go out to use the potty that morning.

Aaargh.

I texted her back and told her that Luna needed to be made to go or she would crap in the crate. She said they'd go back after church. 

 Gus is a monster who delights in tearing things up. We have bought countless beds, blankets, toys, etc. that he has quickly and completely destroyed. He's chewed up my lawn tools, my trees, an entire fence that I built for the sole purpose of keeping him OUT of my garden (he ATE the fence), the bottom of the pool hose, the spray nozzles from my pesticides and herbicides- by right he should be dead- and he has to really work to get at a lot of these things. They aren't at snout level. They are pull himself up, reach into a bucket, make like a magic claw, accessible.

More Gus 

They were cleaning up poop when they got back to the house, and that's when things went typical. After attempting to clean up Luna's mess, she took the cover off the bed and tossed it in the wash, leaving the bedding uncovered. Guess how the monsters entertained themselves until the the cover was returned...

After returning the cover to what was left of the bed, Luna decided to pull the Diva card and wouldn't allow Gus in the crate. The family brought over a second crate for the Idiot Twins to sleep in, which upped Gus' anxiety so he went to town and finished off what was left of the bed. When we got home, all three mutts found themselves back in the same crate on the bare floor because that Diva garbage doesn't fly with me. Luna tried growling at Gus when we got home and I quickly reminded her who she was dealing with. She shut it up real quick. Homie don't play.

Even though they were disgusting, they were weren't as disgusting as they usually are. Maybe we can call on this kid again. Or maybe we won't go on vacation again until the furry monsters have gone to that big, green farm in the sky.