Tuesday, August 2, 2011

007: The One Who Got Away

I like James Bond movies. I like the action, the adventure and the inventions. The puns are painful but I'll even take those but what I can't stand about them is all of the...It's James Bond, you know what I'm getting at. If she has legs and wears a skirt, he's slobbering all over her and she is completely willing to be slobbered on. So I was thinking- what would happen if one time he wasn't able to "close the deal"?

I'm not well versed in spy lingo or trinkets and I'm not sure I could even use his name if I wrote a book but here is my Readers Digest version of the story I would write if I could.

We see James Bond rescuing the heroine from certain death. It's a very close call and the adrenaline is pumping like a ghetto blaster. They sit on a cliff and watch the bad guys evil hideout burn to the ground. He says something pithy and goes in for the kill but just as he's about to plant one on her, she throws her hand in front of her face (so he's kissing her palm) and says "Listen. I'm grateful and all but I'm not that kind of girl."

This is an unxepected turn of events. As a matter of fact, James can't even think of a time when someone said no. He's not even sure what the word means. However, it only stops him for the moment. "After the next close call, she will be putty in my hands," he thinks confidently, but after that next close call she still resists his advances.

He is perplexed. He runs through all the smooth moves he's used in the past but can't figure out where he's gone wrong. "I'll figure it out eventually," he decides.

After the third close call he still can't get what he's after and he becomes obsessed, creating life threatening situations just so that he can rescue her. All in the hopes of breaking her will.

She gets engaged and then marries his arch rival, a squirrely agent from accounting and he is shattered. He starts drinking himself into a stupor every night, loses the keys to Q's lastest gadget laden porshe, stops shaving and showering until at last we find him, passed out in his Lazy Boy in front of the t.v., fat, uncoordinated and depressed because of the one who got away.

I think it would be a best seller.

1 comment:

Jeremiah "Guapo" P. said...

Sounds like the story of my life, just add that the squirrely agent from accounting drives a Porsche himself and the hottie is question is a tall smokin-hot black chic and that's me! I will expect royalties.