Colonoscopy? I'll Take Two...

Just kidding! One was enough.

So here's the thing. As one ages, ones body ceases to function as it did before. Things that once were easy and regular become painful and...not so regular. Sometimes this happens when one has borne many children, sometimes it's an obstruction. There are many reasons why, but it's a good idea (for the sake of peace of mind) to be able to cross some of those possibilities off the list.

This is my story. I'll spare you the details, and just say that my plumbing isn't working like it should. So I went to a professional. As I had exhausted all over the counter remedies, we skipped to the end and scheduled a colonoscopy.

Prepping for this procedure takes at least twenty four hours. We begin by eating only jello, popsicles (without pulp), broth, and coffee or tea (which I don't drink) and soda. This may sound fun to begin with, but there's only so much blue jello a person can take.

Around noon we take a Dulcolax. If you don't know what that does go Google it. Or ask a parent. Then around six we begin drinking a large jug of a juice called "Golytly" (Ha! That's funny because it's not pleasant at all). We can stop drinking the juice once everything comes out clear. Everything.

The next morning, we head to the hospital where we put on a paper gown, and awesome socks with grabby junk on the bottom so we won't slip and crack our skulls. A disposable heart monitor is taped to our finger, and a disposable hose is fed into our gown to keep us warm. We blow up like the Staypuffed marshmallow man. We find this quite funny. We understand the need for disposable everything, but the hose confuses us because it never touches us. We ask the nurse why and she tells us it's to "cut down on the cooties". We find this comical as well.

We have an I.V. put in our arm where we see we are now sporting a large bruise because apparently we "bruise easily." We remove all of our jewelry and hand it over to our spouse and then we are wheeled into the procedure room. A tube is placed in our nose to help us breathe because that tends to stop when placed under anesthesia. We think the tube smells gross.

We exchange witty banter with the staff until a white, cream looking substance is pushed into our I.V. We see spots and have enough time to exclaim "wow!" before our spouse is waking us up, and asking us nonsensical questions. We ask him when he started speaking French, and he looks at us strangely. We are told by the nurse that we "shouldn't drive or make any legal decisions for the next twenty four hours." This is funny also so we laugh.

We change back into our street clothes then are wheelchaired to the door where our spouse brings the van. We hit Chick-Fil-A on the way home for our first meal in thirty six hours then head home and sleep the medication off.

Congratulations! You have survived your first colonoscopy. And because you have opened that door, even if you are perfectly healthy, you now get to have it done every five years for the rest of your life. You're welcome.