Friday, January 11, 2013

D.P. and Stevie's Near Death Experience...

My friend, Stevie, and I are not only super awesome moms but we're also students. Why? Because we decided it's much funner to juggle raising children and educating ourselves at the same time. Just to see if we can.

At any rate, she and I went to the college bookstore to pick up books for this next semester ( it's that juggling thing I mentioned earlier). After having successfully completed that mission, we began the journey home. All was well and good until I decided to take an exit off the highway as I was running my van on fumes (more juggling!).

Let me explain Texas for the uninitiated. The GPS is pretty much about worthless here in the country of Texas (no, that was not a misprint. People out here are crazy). The reason being that Texas highways are under constant construction. Constant, do you hear me. This means that people here have pretty much decided they will pull over, exit, and change lanes, wherever they freaking feel like it!

Such was the case yesterday. I was pulling off to exit, but because Texas is awesome like that, the stoplight was not working properly. Thus there was a mile long (seriously, a mile) line waiting for the light. Meaning people were stuck in that lane on the highway.

Well, some of our more assinine drivers decided that since there would be two lanes at the light, there should be two lanes on the highway, and proceeded to make their lane at the shoulder. After about five minutes of going nowhere, my friend suggested we leave the lane and head for another exit. Traffic was moving a pretty smooth clip in those other lanes so I had to be cautious and quick.

So the van in front of me moved up around the same time a space opened and I decided to take it. Except the doofus in front of me decided to do the same thing after I was in the lane. Like, he waited until I could smell his breath to move. So to avoid hitting him, I had to move to the other lane. However the other lane was already occupied. I also would like to mention that these lanes are narrow and lined with concrete walls. There is no room for error on a good day.

I slowed to avoid hitting the Volvo of Stupidity (in a perfect world, meaning one where I didn't get hurt, I would have rammed his backside twice for good measure), with enough room for the oncoming van to squeak by.

My whole life flashed before my eyes and let me tell you, that just should not happen. That mess actually takes years off your life. Trust me! I am literally a year older today. Yes, it's my birthday, but that's beside the point.

After the threat of death had passed (or right in the middle, time is a blur in near death) Stevie yells (insert sentence enhancer here)! Now there may be some people who maintain that there is never a time for such language. I am here to tell you that is absolutely not true. There are totally times when words like that are called for, nay neccessary. This was one of those times.

Once my brain had stopped pulsing in pain, she apologized for her outburst and wondered how I managed not to follow her potty mouth example. "Well," said I. "I was simply too preoccupied trying to avoid the Volvo of Doom to do much else. Otherwise I would have been right there with you. Also, I cuss all the time, so it really doesn't have as much of an impact anymore." Just kidding! Sort of.

At any rate, I am thankful to be alive as it would kind of whomp to be discovered as an author after I was dead. If I have to choose death or anonymity, I choose...I'll have to get back to you.

Read my books!

1 comment:

Gwen said...

1) Sorry to hear about the near accident. That sounds like a typical day for me.

2) That is why I will never move north.

3) If I ever get back into a suv, a grill is a must! I would've tap the Volvo AND would've recorded it on my dash cam. I would whip out that video so fast and dare them to make my insurance pay for it!

4) Happy birthday again :o)