Holy Sphincters of Horror...

I don't know how dogs ever made it in the wild because, based on what I've experienced with our three dogs, they are dumb as dirt and should have killed themselves into extinction a long time ago. Maybe someone can explain to me why, even though it makes them sick, they insist on eating the mushrooms that pop up after every rain or the residuals left over by roaming rabbits (I assume it's rabbits). Don't try to tell me I should get rid of the mushrooms, I'm irritated enough I  would be happy to smack the maker of that comment in the eye. We pluck all the mushrooms we find. Those fetchers always find the rest.

So my house has smelled like shit and vomit for weeks. I know, the language is uncalled for. Except I have cleaned up so much poo and vomit in the last few weeks, I feel like it is absolutely called for and perfectly expresses the end of my tolerance for the whole thing.

Not my dog.

It's not gross enough that they vomit and poo, but they do both in their crates. I thought there was an understood "don't poop where you sleep" rule amongst their kind. They are in collusion, but I don't know who they think they're taking down with this behavior. I'm not sleeping outside.

Then there are times when I encounter the smell of poo, but no evidence of the crime because they freaking ATE IT!!! Then because, who knew poop upsets the stomach, it comes up again. My eyes tear up I can hardly see and I can barely control my gag reflex.

All three dogs have spent multiple nights outside because I am sick of waking up to poo. They don't whine to be let out because they like the squish of poo between their toes, I guess. I don't freakin' know, but I am over it. All three morons are now in separate cages, because we couldn't figure out from whom the diarrhea sprang, because all three would dance through it and eat their share, so my kitchen looks like the city pound.

Also not my dog.

So now we send them out to potty with an escort, then they go straight back into the crate. It's a miserable existence. I'm suffering the most. I swear the smell of poo has been burned into my olfactories. They are one poorly placed poo away from being permanently "outside" dogs. Then they can eat whatever and crap wherever they want because apparently, the garbage they're eating outside is more desirable than the food we provide for them. Like, they'd literally rather eat poo (and 'shrooms) instead of what's in their bowls.

After these dogs go to the big farm with lots of room to run and play, our home will forever be pet free. Only ten more years...unless they keep eating poo.

Still not my dogs.

*All photos were captured from Google images and even though I should know how, I don't know how to link information to give proper credit. Imma hafta learn how to do that forthwith.

Oh Right, There Was Fun Stuff Too...The Cruise Pt. 2

So I remembered all I had done in my previous post was complain about Hell, and it's being other people, and junk, and forgotten there was awesome that needed to be reported as well. Like the ginger beer I drank in Jamaica, which was neither beer nor contained ginger. It was, however, very burny?Spicy? I think that's how you would describe that. Almost painfully spicy. I couldn't finish it, but I kept the label because it was such a liar.

Selfie

Also, the waters were so clear at every island, I mostly felt comfortable swimming in them because I knew I'd be able to spot any sharks and also there were plenty of people to plow through before one would get to me. I was also able to see to the ocean floor and I found a beer bottle cap that I picked up with my toes. It was only after that, that I realized the little feathery masses at my feet were fishes and not seaweed as I had originally thought, and I quickly put my water shoes back on. I also kinda lost my enthusiasm for that particular body of water and skeedaddled back to the beach.

We went to Hell and bough a postcard. Literally. The shop in Hell, Jamaica is run by a little old man from Mexico who had made a brief stop in his life's journey in San Antonio so he loves his Texas girls. At least, that's what he said, and the pictures on the wall kind of backed him up. The shop (which is almost all there is in Hell) also had Dixie cups nailed to the walls beside the bathrooms with a little sign asking for donations to pay for toilet paper. It was classy.

Hell's Gift Shop

Being that this was our first cruise ever, Babe and I booked a tour at every port (Cozumel, Grand Cayman and Jamaica) to insure the boat wouldn't leave without us. As we stepped off the ferry at Grand Cayman I saw a very large (Caymaner, Camanite?) very, very buff dude in a security uniform with a gun, sipping from a pink straw that was poking out of the coconut he was holding in his ginormous hand. It was dainty is what I'm saying.

I looked down to see two chickens just hanging out at his feet like they weren't chickens or he wasn't a security guard. We boarded the tour bus and there were more chickens. Like, in the middle of town waiting to cross the road to the courthouse. So I guess that answers that question? I saw another rando chicken and just mused out loud about the mass sightings when the tour guide mentioned the "Hurricane of 1936, so named because it happened in 1936 (before hurricanes were named) that released a bunch of chickens and roosters. Now there are wild chickens and rooster running loose on the island." That just tickled me. He also mentioned the island no longer had skittles, which I found really confusing, until he explained the government's determination to minimize skittle clouds and eradicate the Zika virus, which they had successfully accomplished. So he hadn't been talking about the candies.

Apparently this is also a problem.

There was a "rum" tasting, "tequila" tasting, and "insert some third liquor here" tasting portion on every tour, but Babe and I don't drink so we spent that time practicing our thumb twiddling technique. My thumbs are very dexterous now. I also learned that sea-sickness doesn't necessarily manifest as violent and forceful vomit. It can be just a slight discomfort, slight headache/nausea that goes away once the sufferer finds herself on solid ground. Hopefully, this little note helps as the forceful vomit was what I was looking for and it took me two trips back to solid ground to realize that I had been, in fact, a little sea sick for the first four days of the cruise.

Also, and this is a little more uncommon, landsick is a thing and one can be landsick for several days after returning from a cruise. It's called mal de debarquement syndrome or as I like to call it "insult to injury syndrome." I'm one of the lucky few to get to experience that fun time and it's just like it sounds. I was "still on the boat" for about a week after we got home. I spent a lot of time laying down before I fell down. Anyhoo, that is your PSA for the day. Learn it. It may save your life!

Just kidding. Hopefully, it'll help you recognize the sea sick sooner than I did. Also, I'm a rocket scientist so you'd probably figure that out sooner anyway. So...

It was really nice to spend time alone with Babe. He's a lot of fun and it was great to reconnect with him. We've decided we want to go again and take the kids. They are all old enough now that it can be an enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

I just couldn't eat it.

On the other hand, we left the children alone for a week...there will be a part 3.